Sometimes I want to finish my Ph.D. so badly that I don’t know why I began in the first place. Sometimes I get so fixated on getting that one result or that one figure, I forget to stand back and take a look at what I’m doing and why I chose science as my life. The need to slow down is so much harder than letting it take control of you. There are some weeks where my mind feels like its stretched in every direction. And my collar is worn tight at my throat. Those weeks I feel like spending 12 hours a day in the lab to finish an experiment and pipetting until my fingers seize. The more you do, the more want to, but differentiating between the want and need can feel like you’re losing yourself completely. I guess the idea of forward progress is what’s getting me confused. All of me doesn’t move in the same direction at the same time, and neither should my work. Maybe I just need to accept that my mind, body, and soul are often times asynchronous and that feeling of being pulled apart is growth. Maybe it’ll get easier. Or maybe the thought of it getting easier will be enough for now.
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December 2023
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